Episode 102: Oceans/transcript
Can I borrow this For my round things party? Where did you get that? On the roof. I disconnected all the wires. That's our satellite dish! Did I do something wrong? Oh, Bean, I tell you what-- I'll take Mr. Satellite Dish back to the roof And you can help digit start the show. Oh, okay! Digit! Yes, ker... Where's kermit? He's up on the roof. The roof?! Yes. It's not safe up there. I'll tell him to come down. Kermit, come in. ( crash, yelling ) He came in-- ha! Oh... Dear me. Let's watch the opening. Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Captioning of this program is made possible By the amelia peabody foundation. Hi there, and welcome to our show. Tonight we travel to a strange land Where everything seems to be magic-- The world of "Lighthouse island." Have a cider, zeb norman. Thank you, I am thirsty. I just rode my bicycle from... Trawleen. But first-- Muppetelevision. Kermit what's the show about? There's fish in it So it's a "Friends and relations" show for me. Give my best to your "Folks." Will do, Jim. Our guest star is Ted Danson. Lindberg-- have you fixed That hole in the roof? Just about to, skipper. Oh, good, because I want everything shipshape. Uh-oh. Whoa!! Anybody got an umbrella? Hang on, and we'll rescue you. I found the busted pipe And turned off the water. Oh, good. Oh, hi there. We've got a terrific show, with pirates, singing fish And our special guest star, mr. Ted danson! Is there any way I can help? Thanks, ted But the show takes care of itself. You're wonderfully calm and collected. What's that hole doing down there? Oh, the floor gave way... And you're not even worried. Boy, I tell you-- this frog, unflappable. Carry on. Oh, thanks. Hey, digit-- cue the folk dance troupe! Digit: check! ( folk music, sing-shouting ) Watch out for the... Dancer: whoa! There's a hole... Don't go through the... ( last dancer yells ) Sheesh! Is this a problem? Uh, no, no problem. Digit! Cancel the folk dance, cue the fish! See? Boy, didn't even miss a beat. Totally unflappable. ♪ splish-splash, I was takin' a bath ♪ ♪ long about saturday night ♪ ♪ rub a dub, just relaxin' in the tub ♪ ♪ thinkin' everything was all right ♪ ♪ well, he stepped out of the tub, put his feet on the floor ♪ ♪ I wrapped the towel around me and I opened the door ♪ ♪ and then-- ♪ ♪ splish-splash ♪ ♪ he forgot about his bath ♪ ♪ how was I to know there was a party goin' on? ♪ ♪ they was a-splishin' and a-splashin' ♪ ♪ reelin' with the feelin' ♪ ♪ movin' and a-groovin' ♪ ♪ rockin' and a-rollin' ♪ ♪ yeah! ♪ ( two-saxophone solo ) ♪ b-b-b-b-bing-bang, I saw the whole gang ♪ ♪ dancin' on my living room rug ♪ ♪ yeah! ♪ ♪ flip-flop, we was doin' the bop ♪ ♪ all the teens havin' dancin' fun ♪ ♪ there was a lollypop with a peggy sue ♪ ♪ good golly, miss molly was even there, too ♪ ♪ well, a-- splish-splash, he forgot about his bath ♪ ♪ I went and put my dancin' shoes on ♪ ♪ yeah! ♪ ♪ I was rollin' and a-strollin' ♪ ♪ reelin' with the feelin' ♪ ♪ movin' and a-groovin' ♪ ♪ splishin' and a-splashin' ♪ ♪ yes, I was splishin' and a-splashin' ♪ ♪ rollin' and a-strollin' ♪ ♪ yeah, I was movin' and a-groovin' ♪ ♪ reelin' with the feelin' ♪ ♪ rollin' and a-strollin' ♪ ♪ movin' and a-groovin' ♪ ♪ splish-splash, I was takin' a bath ♪ ( saxophones ) ♪ splish! Splash! ♪ ( everybody cheers ) Well, I think that went swimmingly. Thanks, chief. Actually, I was talking about the fish number... Um, sorry about the hole, folks... But the dance number looked great, except for the ending. How deep is that hole? Will you people please keep it down? We're trying to blast tunnels. Are people dancing up here? This looks pretty bad. It's just a minor problem. Miners: oh, "Miner problem"-- I like that! Digit, cue merlin, would you? Merlin-- he's funny! Hmm? And now it's time For the medieval medic with the mystical mind Merlin the magician, m.D. Whom is it doth seek the wizard's help this day? A guy with a fish through his head! Ta-da! Merlin: sit down! Sit down. This is ridiculous! How did this happen? It started as a wart on my stomach... You stay out of this. You-- answer the question! What was the question? It went in one ear and out the other. Ta-daa! Speak up-- I've got a herring in my ear. Then you need a "Herring" aid! Ta-daaa! Why? Just for the "Halibut." Ta-daaa!! Wait! Thank you. I plead insanity. No sane fish would do this. Are you sure? Yes! It's beyond all reasonable "Trout"! Ohhh!! Lady: oh, magnificent merlin Mr. Pegasus is here for his checkup. Pegasus? The mythical winged horse Of story and song? Send him in. Hey, what about me? I'm sorry son, but I never Put the "Carp" before the horse! ( airplane falling ) Ta-daaa-- what's that? ( screams ) Ta-daa! Can I help you? Yes-- get me to the "Horsepital"! Argh! Horsepital... That's pretty bad. I like it. Mr. Kermit? Yes. Ted danson's ready. What's his plan, vicki? Well, we spoke about it. I said perhaps a dramatic illustration Of man's journey into himself. What did he say? He said he'd rather do comedy. Oh, good. Cue ted danson! But... Weren't we lucky, pumpkin? Just yesterday saying, "Let's take a cruise"... And now, here we are, lucky us On the only cruise ship that had any room. We're so lucky. We're so lucky. Ahoy there, you miserable landlubbers! Welcome to the jolly roger Flagship of the pirate cruise line! So wash the bilge out of your ears, and look lively! I'm sorry-- who are you? I'm your host, my name be scurvy. Scurvy? Been called that Ever since I caught the dread plague And spit up buckets of black blood. Oh... Well, yes-- that's a lovely story But is there anybody else I can speak to? Peg-leg! Get your briny bones out here! Hi, I'm peg-leg, your waiter. Our specials are salt pork and maggoty biscuits. I don't think so-- not tat it isn't tempting... Pumpkin? I'll just have a club soda. Yes-- two club sodas, please. Club sodas?! With a twist of lime. You son of a sea cow, I'll give you club sodas! Oh, good. What's this? You want anything on the pirate cruise You've got to fight for it. I hate it when you have to fight yo way to the bar. Arrggh! Arrgh! Arrggh! Arggh! Sill... All right, you swill-swiggin sea scu-- arrgghhh! ( swashbuckling music, pirates yelling )  ( stops music ) Thank you. two club sodas, please. Oh-- well, certainly, sir... Will that be... Cash. Cash, or... Charge. Charged to your... Cabin. Cabin, sir? Charge, thank you. Oh... Just sign here. All right-- 15% of three doubloons... Why, thank you, sir. Ready?! ( music and yelling resume ) Mr. Danson! Don't worry, I'll save you! ( splash ) Ha-harrgggh! Are you the one they call peg-leg?  aye... Well, then this is for you! ( chain saw on ) Timber! Ulp. Here we go, pumpkin-- Here's your club soda. Where's the twist of lime? Oh, no, I forgot it. Oh, never mind-- I'll get it. Aaaarrrggghhh!!! That's my pumpkin. ( yelling, swashbuckling music ) Ted danson really gets into the spirit of things. The floor is fixed. Oh, good. I found this piece of wood Exactl the right size. All right, you mangy wharf rats! Give us back our plank! Hey, watch those cutlasses! There are power lines all over this place., Aah! Oops. Our mistake. Sorry. Y, kermit, everything okay? Uh... Yeah, oh, yeah, fine. Oh. Well, great lighting. Real dramatic. Yeah... Thanks. Sheesh. Let's see-- that was the end of the first half. So what comes next? The beginning of the second half. That makes sense. Coming soon to a theater more or less near you Depending on where you live... Below the sea, beneath the waves, a n orce has arrived A force so powerful, so dynamic No fish can stand in its way. Now, from neptune pictures Comes the aquatic explosion of fury That is mario molluskini's "Karate squid iii"! ( karate squid yells; speaking "Japanese" ) Karate squid iii-- now playing at a theater Near someone who lives near a theater, somewhere. Oh... Oh... Oh, kermit-- The underwater set has sprung a leak. Quick, plug it up. Oh. Uh... Ah! Ah. Huh? There, I've stopped the leak, kermit. Uh... Why do I keep thinking Of niagara falls? You've got water on the brain. Let's go to the extremes' underwater number! ( screaming withuic ) ( groaning, screaming ) ♪ she'll only come out at night ♪ ♪ hey! Lean and hungry type ♪ ♪ ah! Nothing new, I've seen her here before ♪ There is one in every neighborhood! ♪ watching and waiting ♪ ♪ she's sitting with you but her eyes are on the door ♪ Look out! Ahhh! ♪ whoa, here she comes ♪ ♪ better watch out, boy, she'll chew you up ♪ ♪ whoa, here she comes ♪ ♪ she's a man-eater ♪ Wow! Oh! Whoa! ♪ whoa, here she comes ♪ ♪ wat out, boy, she'll chew you up ♪ ♪ whoa-oh, here she comes ♪ ♪ she's a man-eater, yeah! ♪ ♪ I wouldn't if I were you ♪ ♪ I know what she can do ♪ What? What? What? ♪ she's deadly, man ♪ ♪ she could really rip your world apart ♪ ♪ m-m-m-mind over matter ♪ ♪ oh, the beauty is there ♪ ♪ but the beast is in her heart-- aaah! ♪ Oh, no! Oh, no!! ♪ whoa, here she comes ♪ ♪ watch out, boy, she'll chew you up ♪ Oh! Here she comes! ♪ she's a man-eater ♪ ♪ oh, here she comes ♪ ♪ better watch out, boy, she'll chew you up ♪ ♪ oh, here I come ♪ Leave my hair alone! ♪ I'm a man-eater ♪ ♪ oh, here we come ♪ ♪he's a man-eater ♪ ♪ man-eater!!! ♪ Oh, cute shark. I suppoe so. Lindberg, is everything fixed? I connected the water to the sinks And the electricity to the power outlets. Well, fine-- thank you. You're lucky I'm a professional. Just think what'd happen if I'd mixed them up. Yeah. Pardon me, kermit. I wanted to dry my hair But there's something wrong With this hair dryer. What's wrong? ( sw Digit!! Uh... Uh... Just cue the documentary. ( switch on ) Aaah!! Will you stop that?! Turn it off!! And now, the "Undersea world of jacques roach." Roach: we have been aboard our ship, the boogaloo, for many months. All is well, but I think the crew is feeling a little... Hey! Captain jacques! When are we going to suface? We've been down here For months! Are you saying Your soul has not been stirred By the silent mystery of the "Dip"? What mystery of the dip? It's just cream cheese and instant onion soup. And has your heart not rejoiced And soared each and every night As we all sing the theme song of our "Sheep"? The sheep have a theme song? I didn't even know we were in this sketch. Ah, boogaloo The places you've been to-- That's it, we're out of here. We're jumping ship. Jump "Sheep"? You cannot jump "Sheep"! I should say not. Zut alors! It is the giant lobsters! Hey! Hey! Come on, let's go! Roach: quick! Into the lifeboats! These aren't the lifeboats! This is a torpedo tube! Exactement! Now to defeat the lobsters and save my "Sheep"! Oh, thank you. All right! We'll sing! ♪ rise, boogaloo... ♪ Rats away! Hey, they're firing rats at us! Let's get out of here! Yeah! "Today I have conquered thelobsters Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.98,0:16:29.48,default,,0,0,0,,{\an1\pos(206 and gotten rid of my verminous crew" I have found renewed peace alone once more with my 'sheep'." If you lay one hand on me, buster... Hmm, another underwater sheep and cockroach show. I hope people aren't getting tired of them. ( walking through water ) Hey-- this floor is soaking wet. ( walking through water ) I can't work like this. How can we entertain people under these conditions? ( walking through water ) ( humming "Blue danube" waltz ) ( continuing waltz with steps ) ( humming "Blue danube" waltz ) ( continuing waltz with steps ) ( humming "Blue danube" waltz ) ( music joins in, everyone hums ) Oh, very good, kermit! Very good. I love that wet-floor dancing. Show's going well. Oh, yes, it is, isn't it? Clifford, are you ready with your piece? Yeah, kerm. Ted, you want to join me in this story? What is it? It's a fish story about the ocean. You play the lead. Oh, yes, yes, my pleasure. Terrific. How long is this story? Oh, it lasts about 400 million years. Um, kermit... Maybe while I get ready You should make a new plane reservation for me. Ladies and gentlemen-- "A fish story." ( clears throat ) About 400 million years ago In the devonian period of the paleozoic era, or thereabouts Everyone on earth lived under the sea. It was a time of universal contentment and harmony-- Except for one dissatisfied creature Of indeterminate origin. His name was ted. I'm tired of always being wet behind the ears. So this malcontent swam upwards toward the light Until he burst forth into another world. ( ted breaches ) Up ahead he saw some dry land rising from the water. He swam towards it, and... Well, you know the story. I made it! Though I don't suppose everybody's going to believe it. ( sighs ) A few hundred million years passed. By that time, ted had adapted to his new environment And grown into a strapping homo sapiens. Oh... Well, yes-- yes, this is very nice. A little dry, but very nice. By now ted had lungs, he had intelligence He had mastered the opposable thumb... Excuse me-- Could you hold it down? Hold it down? But, but-- I'm telling your story, man. My story? Yeah-- I'm the narrator And you're the everyman character. Oh. Well... Then, yes, go for it. Thank you. And so ted had learned to live on the land. But he lived by the water, and he ate from the water And he used the water for many of his needs. But still-- still, he was not completely content. Ted: I wish I had the wheel, and the telescope. And dental floss! Oh, yes! This is going to change the world! And so ted went into a prolonged period of inventing and building Which proved fruitful. But of course, there were side effects. And still his thirst for innovation went on. I just invented electricity and freeze-dried coffee And penicillin! I'm also doing some wonderful experiments With petroleum derivatives. Clifford: ted kept doing that for a long, long time. And in truth, there were a lot of other teds All doing the same thing. And eventually all life in the water died. The sea stopped producing oxygen The earth became uninhabitable And that was the end! Hel... Excu... Hello! Excuse me-- that was the end? Yeah. What kind of an ending is that? Well, I thought it was the one you wanted. No, don't be silly! I love the ocean! I came from the ocean. That's like my home. ( telephone rings ) What's this? Did I invent this? It's for you. ( ringing ) Hello? We thought you'd like a call from home, ted. Guys! It's the fish. Guys! How are you? We're terrible! Believe the narrator For crying out loud! It's not as bad as he says, right? Face it, ted, it's worse. We're dying down here. I know, I know-- It's the oil producers and the chemical companies! And the government won't do anything. I really feel helpless. You-- helpless? You're the one dumping poison into the ocean! Who told you that? The narrator! He was speaking metaphorically. I was not! All right, all right. Mistake! You're right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dumped the stuff in the ocean. I'll stop. What about the stuff that's already down here? Oh. Right. Um, jeez-- Well, then I'll try to clean it up, okay? Promise? W-well, sure. Of cou I promise. He promises! Listen, thanks a lot! We all really appreciate this! Clifford: and the sea creatures swam away, happy again Because ted, their distant relation, had promised. And under the sea, no one ever breaks a promise to a relative. So maybe they all lived, after all. Maybe they even lived happily ever after. It's all up to ted. ( whale noises in background ) Good night, everybody. b  Now let me tell you about a place called lighthouse island. It won't surprise you to hear That lighthouse island is an island with a lighthouse. Now, if you travel down the old south road Which is really the only road Past the farmsteads and the lonely salt marshes You come at last to the village. It's not the sort of place most visitors expect. Yet, it's an ordinary little town. A village of shopkeepers Craftsmen, drunkards, psalm singers Fishermen... And various practitioners of the lost arts. Lighthouse island is just like the place you live in. ( door creaks ) ( door slams ) Ladies, gentlemen, my name is zeb norman. I just stopped by to ask for some directions. A newcomer-- oh, what a treat! Newcomers get their future read. Here, take a card. The fish! Never mind. So, is this place really called The "No-name tavern"? Man: no, not called anything. Doesn't have a name. But the sign says it's called the no-name. The name isn't no-name. If no-name was the name, then there'd be a name. But there's no name, not even the no-name. Here, have a cider... Zeb norman. Thank you, I am thirsty. I just rode my bicycle All the way from... Trawleen. Long way to ride On a warm day. Uh, I'm looking for clara buford's shop. Clara buford? No one goes there. Clara is nothing But trouble. I used to live near her and my hens would never lay. I'm looking for a wedding present. I'm getting married. It's a very important gift. Wheeler's. You want wheeler's for a wedding present. What about clara buford's? Man: she's across from wheeler's. But stay away. I spoke mean to her once And my back was out for half a year. Well, thank you for the cider and the fish. Both fish!  ( door creaks open ) Clara buford's is over there. Pardon? ( laughs quietly ) Care to have your name etched on a sea shell? The tourists all love it. ( bubbling, fizzing ) Woman: who's the lucky girl? How did you know? You're not looking at silver necklaces For yourself. I'm clara buford. There's a better selection inside-- come this way, hm? Clara: now then, you still haven't told me who the lucky girl is. Zeb: you wouldn't know her. She lives in gandy-- we're to be married! Clara: I used to live in gandy. I know everyone there. Then maybe you can tell me about her. We've never met. Never met your bride-to-be? We write letters. See, it's this kind of correspondence club We both joined. Zeb: and I promise to write every few days Telling you about my life and my dreams.  young woman: and I promise to write back telling tales of the sea. I hope you love the wildness of the sea... So it went on like that for about a year. And then one day, I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Oh, isn't that just the sweetest story! She arrives tomorrow on the weekly ferry. I'm looking for a present-- something in silver. She loves silver. She says it reminds her Of the sea just before a storm. I've lots of pretty silver. A necklace would be nice. Or a locket. I don't know. It doesn't seem right, just a locket. Or a pin. A pin? It has to be really special. Aren't you going to show me her picture? How did you know I had a picture of her? A young man in love? Rosalee! Yes, that's her name. Then you do know her! Yes, yes, I should say. Well, I did say I knew folks in gandy. You must tell me about her! Yes, well, she is a very special girl. But, you know, jewelry-- Oh, that is not at all the right kind of present For a girl like rosalee. It isn't? No, no. A girl like that doesn't need any added adornment. But if not jewelry, then... Then what? Shoes! ( laughing: ) shoes would be perfect! Shoes? Dancing slippers! She'd put them on, you'd sweep her up And dance off into the moonlit night. Oh, it's so romantic! But... I wouldn't even know what size. Now, these would do very nicely. Or I do have some powder blue ones somewhere. No, here-- these are the ones. Silver slippers. They're perfect. Not those. Silver is rosalee's color. They're too big. No, they're not. They're family heirlooms. I'll pay double. Triple. I'll do anything to have these shoes. ( whispers: ) anything... Anything? Uh, yeah-- anything. Well, I do have a little task For which I require help. What is it? / I have an errand on hogg island. But I can never figure out How to make the motors in the boats work. You can take me there. Is it far? No, it's just out in the bay. We could leave in an hour. Yeah, I suppose I could take you there. A handshake's a promise.  ( shouting: ) remember, no more than half throttle! She overheats! If they make it to hogg island They'll be cold and belly-up. ( gulls squawking ) Clara: can we go a little faster, please? The man said no more than half throttle. Whose errand is this, yours or mine? Is that hogg island? Yes. Strange-looking place. It's not the place I'm worried about. ( motor laboring ) What's happening? The motor's overheating. Oh, terrific. I thought you knew all about boats. ( motor won't start ) ( thump ) What was that? It sounds like it came from under the boat. ( thump and splash ) ( terrifying growl ) Has it gone? I hope so! Start the motor, quick! It still won't do it. ( grunting ) ( motor starts ) It's working! Terrific. Zeb: what was that thing out there? Clara: well, I... I can't be sure but I... I think it was fred. Zeb: a sea monster named fred? I'd better explain Because that's why we've come. You see, there... There's this jewel-- a pearl That has the power of transformation. If I had that pearl, I could close my eyes And wish myself into anything That walks or flies or swims And open my eyes to discover it so. Transformation? Are you sure? I had that pearl once. I held it here in my hand. But before I could use it even once It was stolen-- Gone from its hiding place. And old fred was gone, too. So fred turned himself into a sea monster? Fred, the old fool-- He turns himself into lots of things And he lives right here on hogg island. And that's why we've come-- To get the pearl back. What? At night? Running around on this island With a guy who could be a tiger Or a snake, or who knows? Handshake's off, clara-- No deal. Oh, I see. There are some things you won't do to get The silver slippers for your bride. We'll melt them. Melt them? Yeah. Too bad. I so liked the image-- You and rosalee dancing off into the moonlight The silver slippers on her feet, flashing like captive stars. It's too bad! Oh, well. We'll just crush them to bits! No, wait! Don't harm the slippers. I'll help. There's a good lad. So, where do we find this pearl? ( bird crying ) ( twig snaps ) Clara: there's a hut ahead-- fred might live there. Zeb: you don't even know? Clara: no one comes here since fred came. Zeb: fred's a joy. I don't know what's come over him. Used to be cranky, but nice. Now, when he turns into a beast, he eats sheep. When he goes swimming, he sinks boats. When he flies-- oh, my, when he flies! ( bird whistles ) ( wings flapping ) ( bird shrieking ) He... He flies when he's angry! Yeah, so I've noticed. Come along. The hut's just ahead. ( bird shrieking ) Come on! ( bird shrieks ) Yeah, fred lives here, all right. We must find the pearl. To hell with the pearl! It belongs to whoever touches it last... Find the pearl And that thing out there will vanish. ( bird shrieking ) ( glass shattering ) Look out for the monster. I'll go on searching. What a clutter! He never could keep anything tidy. ( heavy, evil breathing ) Clara: is he still wearing this? Socks and fishing tackle! Men! How he keep food and shoes in the same drawer? It's revolting! Oh, yech. ( scraping ) ( slithering ) ( angry hissing ) ( screeching ) ( screaming ) ( screaming dies away ) ( sighs ) ( whispering: ) oh, the pearl! Give it back-- it's mine! ( growling ) Clara, I might have known you'd come looking for my pearl! It's mine-- you stole it from me! Dream another one, clara! Oh, jeez, my hand's broke. Can this pearl really transform people? You're asking him that? I did my sea monster I did my flying beast and my tentacle. How much do you need? Now, give it back-- it's mine! You stole it from my daddy after he died! It was mine. I didn't know How you could turn into stuff with it. It's mine! It's mine! At the moment, it's mine. The slippers are mine. A handshake's a promise. Yeah, a handshake is a promise.  now we have what we came for. I don't. Rosalee... What are you going to do with that pearl, clara? You'll know soon enough, fred. Oh, tsk, tsk-- you need to look after that hand. I suppose we should give you a ride. I wouldn't ride with you to the back door of hell! You tell carl simms to come and get me. Carl hates your guts! That's a damn lie! Rosalee is here! Good-bye, clara buford. Clara: I'm coming along! I wouldn't miss seeing lovers meet. There she is-- There's the bride. Rosalee! Mr. Zeb norman-- how good to see you! Well, there's your bride. A very special girl, mr. Norman. Well, aren't you going to give her the present You worked so hard to get? You got the slippers? I did. What, how'd you know? I asked zeb to fetch them from your shop. He thought it an odd request for a mermaid. You knew, then? Of course. I remember when you lived in gandy, clara buford. The mermaids knew about your silver slippers. These slippers are legendary. They're heirlooms! Why would a mermaid care about them? I don't; I only care about the power they may harbor. Those slippers have... Power!? We hope so-- at least the legend says they do. These slippers are the only chance We have for happiness. It's a desperate chance. To get them, I had to give her A pearl of transformation. What? Yes, I have the pearl. It's useful for dealing With pranksters like you. With this pearl I can close my eyes and wish myself Into your worst nightmares. Oh! ( bubbling, fizzing ) Oh! My pearl! Zeb-- the slippers. I don't believe it! Wish us joy, clara-- as deep as the sea! Oh, look there! Next week, our guests are the nylons Fawzy bear visits willard scott And the storyteller presents "The soldier and death." __NOWYSIWYG__ Category:Jim Henson Hour Transcripts